Here it comes again, sweeping me up against my will, sucking me in like a rip current to it's inevitable conclusion. Oh, I know it's there, it's always there. For it has been waiting for me to drop my guard. I should know better because it attacks in the same places. It's predictable. However, therein lies the problem, for my reactions are just as predictable, despite the fact that I struggle in faith against them. And that is why I cannot let down my defenses, not even for a moment. The truth is that I know myself well, and I know the triggers that set me off. Once I give in, once I cross that line I am bound to follow through. My protection is to be delivered before I get to this place, before the inevitable is set in motion. Either that, or I hope once again for that rare event where God steps in and saves me from myself. Next time I will keep my focus on Jesus moment by moment. I will look to him to deliver me, for I cannot afford to let this happen again.
Despite my many attempts to more accurately Christianize my revolving cycle of struggles in this life, I know that I did not learn this in Christ. No, the futility I describe above, that which I have experienced more times than I could ever begin to count, is nothing more than the putrid remains of my education in and of this world. It is all part of the same recycled lie mankind has toyed with since the beginning.
The truth is that I set myself up to struggle and fall because I think I understand myself outside of Christ, and I think I know what I need from him. But in this I know nothing. For I have developed a whole system of living that's based upon my understanding of actions and reactions, cause and effect ... and I have the gall to drag God into my formulas and expect him to operate accordingly. But if I am in Christ I live according to him, not him according to me. I hope you hear me when I tell you that in Christ the trigger-led life is but a delusion.