Hello again, L*** :)
It's good to hear back from you. I hear a lot of fear coming from you as you are comparing yourself to other, supposedly more spiritual people. Don't you know there is no such thing? If you belong to Christ then Christ is in you and He is your life!! This means that God has done an awesome work in YOU. NO ONE is more spiritual than you, it is a contradiction in terms based on our OLD empty perceptions that are demanding our attention.
I wonder if I have a spirit of Jezebel/division within me that I think this way...or maybe I'm just too worldly! L***
Personally, I don't know anything about this prophetess, but I'm wondering if you think you NEED someone other than the Spirit of God to teach you? Why do you think it is that the Christian community flocks to those FEW, SPECIAL people to give us a word from God? Could it be that the multitudes are so desperate because we think that God only speaks to a chosen few so that they can, in turn, speak to the rest of us? I think it is this mob mentality that forces these supposedly special people to speak to God for us, and then speak God's word to us, because we are convinced that we REALLY haven't heard ANYTHING from God, and that God REALLY has spoken to us.
I think your fear of the spirit of Jezebel/division is bogus!! It sounds to me that you are reacting to this feeling of being left out because something within you rejects the insinuations of the religious system that tells you that you ARE left out. But because of the Spirit of Christ bringing you into union with God you couldn't possibly get ANY CLOSER IN. You see, that is what God's Spirit has been witnessing to you that you are IN HIM and HE is IN YOU. But the religious community tells you that you must come to the little spigot they offer in order to get God's blessings!! No, no, no!! This so-called spirit of Jezebel is the Spirit of God in you that WILL NOT accept the worldly teachings by which the system demands that you are on a sliding scale of spirituality. DO NOT BE AFRAID!!! Instead, listen to God's Spirit in you and it will become so obvious that it is the RELIGIOUS SYSTEM that promotes division by dividing the body into the haves vs. the have-nots. Do not accept that garbage, and don't beat yourself up because something in you can't stomach it!!
Isn't it obvious why you feel left out in these prayer meetings? The intimidation level of exclusivism is there because that is exactly what is being projected, because everybody there KNOWS that if you were REALLY spiritual then your behavior would be mimicking theirs. But believe me, you are NOT the only one who feels this intimidation. Nope, even those who project that sense of spirituality are wavering back and forth within them between praising and condemning themselves, because they don't feel right about themselves most of the time.
I don't know what's happening within me, but it's very frightening...feel like I'm falling away..into a pit of darkness! I'm overwhelmed at times with all kinds of negative things, and just want to run and hide! I feel so ashamed that I haven't grown as a christian as others have, and am still fighting all these childish things within me!! L***
It's self-condemnation based on your PERCEPTION that you don't measure up!! It's what's known as LAW!! And what in the heck does "growing as a christian AS OTHERS HAVE" really mean? All it means is that you have compared yourself to them and, OF COURSE, have found yourself lacking. It's the only conclusion you can come to when you grab hold of a standard by which to measure yourself.
I'm too old to be going through all this crap! Excuse my language!! L***
Oh, you call THAT language? hahaha! This crap is the bondage of LAW, my dear sister. Of course you don't want to be going through it. I'll be perfectly honest with you by saying that if the apostle Paul was here and describing his former life in legalism (as he did in Philippians 3) that he would not hesitate to call it all bullshit instead of using the delicate words in our translations like dung and rubbish. The meaning of that word in our culture describes EXACTLY, and with the right emphasis, the worthlessness of the life under bondage. Crap is a very good word, too.
I feel angry with God, and angry with me for being in this situation. My attitude makes me want to go out there and sin, sin , and sin!! L***
It's not God that is causing this anger, it's the self-righteous BS that has set itself up as godliness. You see, when we go running back to the LAW it will stimulate sin. That's right, that is EXACTLY what law will do and IS DOING in you. God's grace does not do this, not a chance!!