How do I get back into fellowship? Rick
Bear with me for a moment. If you went north and the needle on your compass was spinning around in circles you might assume it's broken and you were therefore hopelessly lost. But could there be a reason for the crazy readings? Is it possible that the erratic behavior could tell you exactly where you are? There is one location where a compass would do something like that; the uncertain readings don't have to mean the compass is screwed up. (Just in case you don't figure it out, you would be at the North Pole)
What is happening to you, you ask? Confusion. If you are inside the house and yet think you are outside the house it would be impossible to find the door that leads in, wouldn't you think? Is there any wonder why you might be frustrated from this disorientation?
You try not to feel guilty because you feel guilty. You feel guilty because your crazy compass readings suggest maybe there is a reason for it. As based on what you see yourself doing and hear yourself thinking and saying you are sure there is good reason why you shouldn't be forgiven, even though you know you are. So, you are trying not to do and think and say the things you are and at the same time are trying not to live under law. Hmmmm ....
Did you watch Star Wars: the Empire Strikes Back, where Yoda replied to Luke Skywalker's comment that he would try again by saying, "Try? Try not! Do or do not!" So, to YOU, young Skywalker, I suggest you stop trying to get back into the house! :)